Bad Night

So last night, I've got Kaia up for the 3am feeding. I'm pretty much wrecked at that point. I'd fed her at midnight and then got back up for the 3.

We go through the routine, change the diaper, take the temperature, etc. We settle in for the bottle. I offer it, she takes it, starts sucking away. Little did I know, she didn't have her tongue under the nipple; meaning, she was taking nothing.

I notice this after about 10, 15 minutes.

I take it out, wipe her little chin, try again. Again, it seems like all's good. And it's testament to how tired I am that I didn't notice that, still, she wasn't taking any of the milk.

We try it again. Same thing. I can't get her to get her freaking tongue under the nipple. This is basically half an hour of her with a bottle-shaped pacifier, the end result of which is that we're both exhausted and no closer to our goal.

I started to lose it. I just had this sudden irrational anger (no, I didn't do anything to the baby; don't even think that). All the weight of being up and exhausted crashed down on my head. I started obsessing about work, about how Kaia's too congested to breathe through her nose, how I'm totally exhausted, how she wasn't eating.

I said aloud, "goddammit."

And then I got up and woke poor Steph. She'd been asleep for probably an hour, hour and a half. She's just as exhausted as I am, and she'd had her freak-out breakdown about three hours prior. But she woke up like a champ, took the baby and remained calm.

She said, "Cory, go to bed."

I said, "I can't. I have to feed Kaia so you can sleep."

"Go to bed."

At this point, I almost started to cry. I just dropped my head into my hands and mini-hyperventilated. When I looked up, Steph had it under control. Kaia was eating, finally, and at least all was good there. But you have to understand, that was a moment of pure failure on my part. I didn't get my baby fed. I didn't let my wife, my beautiful, strong and exhausted wife, rest. I'm supposed to be taking care of them. That's my only job.

I went to bed. Steph came to talk to me after Kaia had finished eating (not a full feeding, but she did all right). I hadn't been sleeping. I'd been laying there, seething. Angry at my boss. Angry at the people who could've helped me get the magazine finished on time but didn't. I was so angry I had to make myself take deep breaths.

This morning, as I had to abandon Steph to take care of Kaia alone (Steph's mom left for home yesterday), I felt competely worthless. Like I'm not doing my job as a father. And I'm so resentful of my job that I can't go home and take care of my family, it just makes me that much more angry that people aren't doing what they've told me they would.

I want to beat someone with a chair. Someone at work, of course. I just want to go home, try to get some rest and make sure my wife and baby are okay. This other bullshit seems so trivial to me, and yet... I have to do it.

This is so fucked up.

(deep breaths, deep breaths).

Sorry, guys, just had to vent.

The Real Update
Kaia is doing awesome. Her cheeks are getting chubby and she's maintaining her temperature pretty well.

She has a lot of nose congestion, however. We keep having to put saline drops down her (allegedly, it breaks loose the stuff in her nose), and then suck it out with the blue nose sucker thing. Unfortunately, it's too big for her nostrils, so it doesn't do a helluva lot of good.

We ordered some smaller ones from Babies R Us, but we're having to wait for them to get here in the mail. Ugh.

When she's really congested and trying to sleep or eat, her nose sort of honks. Sounds like a short version of an adult snore. I've taken to calling her "Little Honk." I feel so bad for the kid. I wish she could blow her nose. :(

I know it'll get better, I'm just too tired to apply the proper perspective.