25 Things I’m Not Putting on Facebook

1. I will never forgive myself for not sacking up and doing something hard during college, because my life’s biggest regret is that I’m only a writer when I could’ve done something more. Which leads to No. 2…
2. I have a lot of self-loathing and feel isolated and alone most the time.
3. I don’t think I actually have 25 random things you guys don’t already know.
4. I wanted more than anything when I was a kid to be a green beret or a ninja. I never had a dream of anything realistic to be.
5. I was a compulsive liar when I was a little kid.
6. Writing is something I picked up because I thought that it made people like me better.
7. I want to be creative, but my biggest fear is that I’m not, and if I’m not, then what in the hell am I?
8. My first kiss with my wife was on a bench at Woodland Hills Mall.
9. When I was little, I used to play one of two 45s on my record player: Sweet Georgia Brown and Boomer Sooner.
10. My favorite book when I was in 4^th grade was The Girl with the Silver Eyes, and I read it about five times. It’s about a girl whose mom was in a drug trial with a bunch of other people, and the kids of the people in the drug trial all have powers.
11. When I was in ninth grade, we were going to take a class trip to Six Flags in Texas, but it was the year after the flood and I knew mom and dad were broke, so I didn’t ask if I could go. Mom found out about it from someone else and chewed me out for not asking. Pretty sure she cried about it. Now that I’m a parent, I understand better why that would upset her.
12. My dad used to make me mow the yard twice a week in the summers during the day. And trimming. We had an acre, so it’d take me the entire damn day to mow it, then another day to trim it, at which point I had to start again. I got to where I’d find ways to break the mower and trimmer just so I could have a break. No, I did not get an allowance. You wonder why I hate yardwork. Oh, and I had hayfever, so each trip through the grass and dust was good times.
13. Some things I wanted as a kid: a Honda dune buggy (they ruled), a girlfriend (never had one until ninth grade, and then not another until my junior year).
14. I had the hugest crush on Daryl Hannah in Splash.
15. My dad always used to tell me that whenever I was ready to bring it on and we’d have it out. This from a guy who literally feels no pain. I once saw him take a three-inch nail in the chest by way of a falling board, and just pull it out and continue on his day.
16. I had a stuffed dog named Henry who served as my imaginary friend until I was probably 11 years old.
17. I never had sex in my first car (the Camaro), so all that crap about cars getting you laid is a load of shit.
18. Apparently, I’m a very private person and don’t share my thoughts and feelings very often. Who knew?
19. Christmas Eve is my favorite night of the year.
20. I play a lot of Halo because I need the social outlet and have basically no friends here in town. That and it appeals to my competitive nature. Conan, what is best in life?! – To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of the women.
21. Every day, my daughter takes my breath away.
22. If I could have any car in the world, it’d be a black Lotus Elise.
23. I think too much about winning the lottery, but rarely buy a ticket.
24. If I could live anywhere in the world, it’d be somewhere in England.
25. I don’t think my mom and dad really have the faintest idea who I really am, and I don’t think they ever knew what to do with me.