Indy - expanded

As it turned out, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull opened a day early, so I get to review it after all.

Damn you, George Lucas. Damn you.

You read my column last week. You know how much I love Raiders of the Lost Ark. I love that film enough to enjoy the other two imperfect movies in the trilogy. And then there’s Indiana Jones, one of the most iconic and beloved characters in the cinematic pantheon.

I wanted to love Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (henceforth referred to as Crystal Skull). I wanted it to be another Raiders.

It isn’t. Not in the same ballpark. Not even in the same league. It’s as though Lucas and Spielberg have spent the last 19 years watching all the films who’ve tried to be the next Raiders, and fallen prey to the same mistakes.

There are a lot of problems with the movie, but I’m usually willing to overlook those if the film makes me smile.

I didn’t smile a whole lot.

It almost angers me, really. I’m sitting here trying not to be mad about this sense of betrayal I feel, because the movie isn’t bad. It’s just not Raiders of the Lost Ark. I might like it better than Temple of Doom, however. Maybe.

But here’s the thing.

It’s not a bad movie. I didn’t hate it. I had different expectations of it than I’d have had for another film. You follow me? It’s still better than any of The Mummy films. Or National Treasure. Or Tomb Raider. It’s just no Raiders of the Lost Ark.

So here’s the story.

We open up with Indy and his sidekick, Mac (Ray Winstone), in the trunk of what appears to be a US Army car. Out they come, Indy snatching up the dusty fedora off the pavement of Area 51.

Indy and Mac have been kidnapped by a pack of Russians, lead by Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchette). Her dream of conquering the world for the Fatherland is through the use of mind control.

The means to that end are to be found in the giant warehouse at Area 51, which as it turns out might be the same warehouse at the end of Raiders. There’s a crate they want Indy to help them find.

And he does. Sort of.

In usual Indy fashion, the bad guys get away with the loot and Indy returns to the college where he’s employed. Temporarily. He loses his job (minor spoiler. Promise).

On his way out of town, he’s found by Mutt Williams (Shia LaBeouf), a greaser kid on motorcycle. Mutt tells Indy that his mom sent him, saying Indy could help. And then he spills this story about a missing archaeology professor, a crystal skull and the kidnapping of his mom.

The Russian thugs show up and convince Indy it’s a quest he should be involved in. So after a motorcycle chase, Indy and Mutt are off for South America.

And that’s all I’m going to give you.

I seem to be calming down the more I type. Actually, stepping back through the story sort of makes it better. It is the type of adventure Indiana Jones would get involved in. Walking through the events in my head, it’s not that bad.

The action is still there. Indy is still a badass. He still comes up with creative ways out of impossible problems. It’s still him. He’s just … old.

In fact, it’s when the actors are required to, you know, act, that the movie falters. Ford acts like someone who’s been out of the game for awhile. It’s like he knows he’s an actor getting to play Indiana Jones instead of being Indiana Jones.

When he and Karen Allen are in scene together, the results are awful. She was okay in Raiders. I tolerated her. Here, again, she seems like she’s been out of the game for awhile. And she has. She hasn’t been in a film since 2004.

And then there’s John Hurt. What in the hell is he even doing in the movie at all? His “character” is nothing more than a plot device. Actually, I could buy his presence if they’d just left out Marion Ravenwood. They could’ve accomplished her “part” in the plot with a letter.

Shia LaBeouf is almost wasted here. I know why he’s in the movie. Spielberg and Lucas have identified him as the next golden child. It’s why Spielberg wanted him in Transformers. And the kid is funny, good even.

The rumor is there’s going to be another Indy flick with Shia in the lead and Harrison in basically the Sean Connery role from Last Crusade. It could work, I guess. They laid the groundwork for it.

In the first act of Crystal Skull, there’s all this talk about how Indy is a war hero, a decorated veteran spy for his country. That is a whole new angle on the character. You could do a million things with it, just not with Harrison Ford.

And then there’s the slight change in direction in the story. The film is a blend between 1950’s sci-fi and 1940’s adventure serials. First three were about religious artifacts and the old world. This one… well, you’ll see. I kind of like the idea of Indy as a spy and Indy as a sort of precursor to the X-files.

Here’s another thing wrong with it. Raiders was not campy. It was not funny. It was an action ride with a thrill-a-minute pace. The other two films in the series weren’t Raiders. I can’t really complain about the tone of Crystal Skull without comparing it to Temple of Doom and Last Crusade, both of which were laden with camp and humor. In Last Crusade, the humor worked because of the chemistry between Connery and Ford. Most the time anyway.

But the presence of the camp at all… I guess I’m still waiting for the proper sequel to Raiders of the Lost Ark, and I should stop comparing its sequels to it. In fact, it almost works better if you leave Raiders as a stand-alone and group the other three into a trilogy.

Crystal Skull is a fine action/adventure movie. It’s crafted by Steven Spielberg of all people. But it’s not without its flaws, its moments of too-far-over-the-top. My problem with it is what it isn’t and what it could’ve been.

Let’s see what they do next.

Right. Summer preview. Go.

May 30:

Sex and the City: I never did like this show. I think it’s about four women friends in New York City. One of them is a gossip columnist? Hell, I dunno. I’m not the demographic and there’s nothing on earth that’ll make me go see it.

The Strangers: Creepiest movie trailer I’ve ever seen. There’s a shot where Liv Tyler is standing in the living room of a house, smoking, and behind her, this guy steps out of the shadows by the front door. Nothing spookier than having your home invaded while you’re in it (which is the premise of the film).

My Blueberry Nights: (At the Circle) Indie flick about a young woman’s journey across the country to find the answers to her questions about love. Has a really good cast (Jude Law, Natalie Portman, Rachel Weisz).

Donnie Darko: Midnight movie at the Circle. I always loved this movie. It’s about time travel and big rabbits named Frank. And Sparkle Motion. If my comments make no sense to you, you should perhaps go to the movie for illumination.

June 6:

You Don’t Mess with the Zohan: Adam Sandler plays a lethal Israeli secret service agent who’d rather be a hairstylist. First Click, and now this. Help me.

Kung Fu Panda: Animated flick that stars Jack Black as a Panda who climbs the mountain to become a Kung Fu master. I’m sure there’s more to it than that. A bad guy. Something. But you get the gist. From the people who produced Shrek.

The She Found Me: (At the Circle) A NY schoolteacher’s life goes upside down when all at once her husband leaves her, her adoptive mother dies and her real mother shows up. Directed by and starring Helen Hunt.

June 13:

The Incredible Hulk: I’m not sure if this is a sequel to the last movie, or a rebooting because of the last one. Either way, the cast is better this time around. Edward Norton stars as Bruce Banner. He also wrote the script (or co-wrote it), bossed around the director and argued for the final edit. But it co-stars Tim Roth, so here’s hopin’.

The Happening: The latest from writer/director M. Night Shyamalan. Allegedly this one’s an almost all our horror film. I’ve seen a red-band trailer for it and it’s people finding new and creative ways to kill themselves. But I really don’t know anything more about it. I’m imagining something akin to The Mist, though less assured narratively.

June 20:

Get Smart: Steve Carell as Maxwell Smart. You either know what that means or you don’t.

The Love Guru: Mike Myers plays a raised-by-Indians (not native American) self-help guru and does a lot of the same gags he did through three Austin Powers movies. The accent annoys me, but I’m sure I’ll sit through I anyway. It’s been a long time since he’s done live action. Seems like it anyway.

Priceless: (At the Circle) A jewel thief trying to reform himself hides out with an ex-girlfriend while simultaneously hiding from the mob. Sounds a bit like Grosse Pointe Blank. Similar, though not the same.

June 27:

WALL-E: The latest from Pixar follows the exploits of WALL-E, a robot with a mission to clean up the earth. By himself. That is until a ship returns some 700 years later … Okay, wait. Who cares about the story. It’s a Pixar movie. Just get in line and buy a ticket.

Wanted: What would you do if you were a cube rat and one day Angelina Jolie approached you in a convenience store and told you your father, whom you never knew, was one of the greatest assassins in the world and you’ve just inherited his job? That’s this movie. Can’t wait to see it, actually.

July 4:

Hancock: Will Smith plays Hancock, the world’s only superhero. There’s just one problem. He’s a lazy bastard who doesn’t really want the job.

July 11:

Hellboy II: The Golden Army: I have mixed feelings about this flick. On the one hand, I love Hellboy the comic. On the other, I’m not entirely sure the first film really worked. I liked it as an oddity, not as something I can watch over and over again. That said, director Guillermo Del Toro, he of Pan’s Labyrinth fame – has gotten better at his craft, and it’s his last film before The Hobbit. It might be pretty good.

Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D: It’s never a good sign when they tack 3D to the end of a movie title. Stars Brendan Frasier, so who knows what you’re getting.

Meet Dave: Eddie Murphy stars as a miniature guy who, along with his crew, control Dave, a person-sized robot. Or something. I assume mini-Eddie is an alien or lost species of man. I dunno. Don’t really care.

July 18:

The Dark Knight: There are so many reasons to watch this film. Heath Ledger’s second-to-last and purportedly best performance. More Batman goodness as it always should have been. Can’t wait. And I hate DC comics.

Mamma Mia!: I won’t be watching this. It’s a musical set to ABBA tunes about a girl trying to figure out who her real father is. You lost me at ABBA.

Space Chimps: What do you want me to say here? It’s a movie about monkeys in space. I’m not even sure if it’s animated or not.

July 25:

Step Brothers: Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly star as two dumb, spoiled adult men who still live at home, but act like kids. They get into a hardcore dumboff sibling rivalry when their single parents get hitched.

The X-Files: I Want To Believe: Well, we know it’s an X-Files movie. We know it’s a stand alone and that it doesn’t involve the vast alien invasion conspiracy that constipated the last couple of seasons of the show. That’s all we know. I’d ask them why they waited so long, but the truth is I don’t care. I could use another episode. Bring it on.

The Longshots: I know this is a little kid football movie, but that in and of itself is unremarkable. What’s remarkable is that the film is directed by Fred Durst … the lead singer of Limp Bizkit. Right.

August 1:

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor: Another Mummy sequel. Brendan Frasier is back, but he’s the only one. Rachel Weisz has been replaced by Maria Bello. And this time, the “mummy” is Jet Li.

Swing Vote: The premise of this one is that through a glitch in the system, the presidential election comes down to the vote of one man: Bud Johnson (Kevin Costner). He’s not particularly in a hurry to choose, and he’s just a good old beer swillin’ boy. Saw the trailer for this last Thursday, actually. Actually looked funny, but one must be ever vigilant against the Spies Like Us ploy.

The Midnight Meat Train: With a title like that, I don’t even want to know. Is it a porn? A slasher flick? A documentary about Mad Cow disease?

August 8:

Pineapple Express: A stoner witnesses a crooked cop off someone and has to go on the run with his weed dealer. Stoners on the run from the guys behind Knocked Up and Superbad.

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2: What was the first one about? They share pants? That it? Or do the pants go off on walkabout on their own?

August 15:

The International: Clive Owen stars as an Interpol agent attempting to bring down an international arms ring. Huh. A British dude playing a British agent… hmmmm. And yet, he didn’t want the part of James Bond.

Tropic Thunder: Ben Stiller directs an all star cast. The premise: a bunch of actors filming a big-budget war movie get dumped in the jungle in the midst of a real war and are forced to fight for real. But that’s not why you should see it. You should see it because of what Robert Downey, Jr. is doing in it.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars: Stay tuned. The next “Star Wars” movie is an animated one. Can’t be worse than The Phantom Menace, can it?

August 22:

The House Bunny: Anna Faris stars as a Playboy playmate who’s been kicked out of the Mansion takes a gig as a house mom of a sorority. By the same people who brought you… wait for it… Legally Blonde.

The Accidental Husband: A radio talk show host convinces a woman to leave her boyfriend, so the now ex-boyfriend goes after the talk show host looking for revenge. It’d be better were it not a romantic comedy.

Fly Me to the Moon: Three flies get sent to space after getting stuck aboard the Apollo 11. Yes, it’s animated.

August 29:

Babylon A.D.: Vin Diesel doing sci-fi and not playing Riddick. I’m actually interested, but then I’m always interested in new sci-fi/action flicks. He plays a merc assigned with escorting a woman out of Russia. She’s carrying a synthetic virus and a doomsday cult wants it.

College: Three high school seniors – prospective students -- visit a local college for the weekend. I assume debauchery ensues.