Tuesday Update on ... Blah!

Yesterday was more of the same, really. She ate a little bit better from the bottle, though not substantially better. She lost 10 grams but was still at 1950 (4 pnds, 7.8oz.), so we're just barely below her birth weight.

She was, however, awake and alert a lot more yesterday. At her 4:30 feeding, she'd just finished taking there rest of her food from the tube and I had to change her. While I was doing so, and yes, I suck ass at changing diapers, she woke up. Slept through the feeding, woke up during the changing, so I took her back out of the crib and sat with her some more until she went to sleep again.

I cannot walk away from my daughter when her eyes are open. At least not right now. I'll have to get better about that later on, but for now, if the eyes are open, I'm not going anywhere.

So... in conclusion: weight's good. Breathing's good. She can see and hear. She just needs to start eating from the bottle and she'll get to come home. I keep that in front of me and try not to think about the heart murmur.

I keep forgetting what I've written about before, so forgive me if I repeat myself.

I hear Steph is reporting that I've gone soft. That's not entirely true. I do feel calmer than usual. At least anytime we're on the way to see the baby or with the baby or near the hospital. The rest of the time, I feel more hostile, to be honest.

Don't kid yourself, the stress level is through the freaking roof. I'm not sure if you guys are aware, but my next magazine is due to press on Feb. 8, and there's no one else who can do it. I'm working half days this week and hoping Kaia gets to come home this weekend. It'll be much easier (not easy) to get the magazine out if I'm running back and forth from home to the office instead of from Stillwater to OKC. I honestly feel like the stress is too much and my head is going to explode. Which is probably why I enjoy being near the baby so much. She makes me forget about all this other bullshit.

And even if I am softening up, don't get used to it. It won't last. Diane, I'll be wearing black no matter my general outlook on life. Optimists can suck it.