Blahg

First this:


And then the updates.

So I mentioned last week that I had another panic attack. Seems like forever ago at this point. Happened at like 4am that saturday and lasted until about 8am. Imagine, if you will, four hours of feeling like you're going to die, rapid fire adrenaline rushes, chest pains and shortness of breath, every 10 minutes. Like something's blasting the left side of your brain. Like something is literally scaring the hell out of you over and over and over again.

That was then. Went back to the doc last week. He gave me some Xanax. When the nurse handed me the prescription, she said, "Be sure someone's with you the first time you take this."

"Why?"

"It knocks most people out."

Sure enough. I was almost afraid to take them, to be honest. I have a healthy fear of drugs. Past a little alcohol, I've never wanted any part of any kind of drug. I didn't even want to take anti-depressants when the shrink gave me a 50/50 diagnosis and left it up to me.

Took one. Knocked me the fuck out.

Nightime is the worst. I've never been what anyone would call a good sleeper. Takes me awhile, or it seems that way, anyhow. Steph's told me before I pretty much just drop right off. Generally when I lie down at night, my brain doesn't shut off. That's normally. Since the anxiety attack happened, what my brain gnaws on is whether or not my heart is beating okay, and am I getting enough air, or why am I dizzy?

First thing you'll read about panic/anxiety attacks is that worrying about having one will make you have one. So I've got that going for me.

Anyway, at the same time they gave me the script for Xanax, they also wanted to check my thyroid for hyperthyroidism, which is another cause of all my symptoms. So last thursday, I went back and let them stick me again. For a guy who isn't fond of needles, I've become a regular pincushion.

I almost wished it was thyroid. That would've been an easy fix. Anxiety is harder to get a hold on, apparently. So yesterday, I went back to the doc (third time in two weeks). I told the nurse not to take it personally, but that I was getting tired of seeing her.

Doc ended up putting me on 15mg of Buspirone, which is a long-release lower impact version of xanax, really. He said it was in the same family anyway. Started on half a pill twice a day yesterday. Apparently, it takes a week or two to build up in your system, so of course, last night, i had a mini anxiety attack when Kaia woke up in the middle of the night. Had a little bit better handle on it. Had I gone to sleep with the xanax, I wouldn't have had it at all.

But I'll stick it out on the other stuff. I just hope I don't have to go through that every night until it starts working properly. I just want these to end. I've started going to bed earlier. Quit caffiene cold turkey. Worked out four of seven days last week. Whatever I have to do to get better, pretty much.

This weekend, when Pryor was up, he said, "Hey, you think maybe it'd help if you smoked some ganja?"

"Dude, if I thought it would, I'd do it."